The Night Before Cricksmas

'twas the night before Christmas, and on Powder Horn Drive
Not a creature was stirring - nobody alive.

'Cept for me, just because I had work left to do
And I don't follow Christmas - because I'm a Jew.

The others were out drinking champagne and beers
And good ol' JB had fake books on his ears.

But our release was to go out New Year's day
And one bug was left that would not go away.

We begged for extensions. We tried hard to clear it.
But that boss of ours, well he just wouldn't hear it.

I tried Turbo Debugger and Norton Utilities
and other completely bizarre possibilities.

I rewrite f_get_form. Analyzed f_must_fill.
And I checked xx_CheckDupAffil. ¹

Defeated, exhausted, I nearly resigned,
When I heard him approach, coming up from behind.

You could see his suspenders and flaming red hair,
His freckled nose and big derriere

He said, "Hi there, Rob, I'm your new co-worker.
My friends call me 'Bozo', I'm Dave Crickenberger!"

He glanced at the code and he said "I can tell
This code's got more bugs than a roach motel!

These low-level functions are such a mess
You all should be glad that I joined CTS.

This must be the worst code that I've ever seen!
This code's worse than bad; it's outright obscene!

My goodness, who wrote this?
They must have been sick!
I got here in time, or my name isn't Crick!

Look at the format, it's all so erratic.
Let's start with a vv for data that's static.

I'll rewrite the modules, although they work well.
And I'll write proposals, although I can't spell."

With a Dolch in his left hand, a Grölsch in his right,
He silently set himself up for the night.

"I'll give you a few of my programming gems.
Just buy me a Coke and some plain M&Ms."

He worked on for hours, yet he never rested.
He wrote tons of code, not once was it tested.

When I asked him about that, he looked up and smiled.
Said I should be lucky if the code just compiled.

All at once, he exclaimed "Oh, my god, I'm a jerk!
There's not enough memory, my fixes won't work!

Just take my advice, I learned this from Lotus.
So what if it's buggy? Nobody'll notice!

Go back to the party, you're done for the night.
You look like you've never been out in the light."

I said, "I can't see my boss when I look like a slob."
He said, "You're missing my point, son. It's only a job.

Oh, look at the time, I'm gonna be late.
Gotta get to the boys' school to get me a date!

Just let me collect all my disks and my faxes,
And pay me in cash so it stays off my taxes."

So off he swaggered back into his Jeep.
And when he drove off, I fell promptly asleep.

As I dreamed through the night, he sent me a sign,
"Merry Christmas to Dendrite, and I resign."