The CTS Song
Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major General" by Gilbert and Sullivan

I am the very model of a programmer from CTS
I've information kmenu, kswine, kemail and khiss
My training has been limited to SDK and Paradox
And someday I aspire to own 50 shares of Dendrite stocks

At Dendrite I'm committed to pure excellence and quality
And if you need my help it will be hard to get a lot of me
My code is barely adequate, this fact is one that I lament
It wouldn't be so bad if I had time enough to document

Chorus:
It wouldn't be so bad if he had time enough to document
It wouldn't be so bad if he had time enough to document
It wouldn't be so bad if he had time enough to docu-document

I've never been excited by the prospect of delivery
By working for the benefit of someone else's salary
But still, in matters kmenu, kswine, kemail and khiss
I am the very model of a programmer from CTS

Chorus:
But still, in matters kmenu, kswine, kemail and khiss
He is the very model of a programmer from CTS

If you need my assistance then I must tell you to get on line
But don't expect me early 'cause I won't show up till after nine
The tasks that take too long are ones that I always refuse to do
Since I must be available for tee-off time at ten-to-two

So if you look for bugs (and I am sure that you will find a lot)
Just don't give me the bug sheets, you should mail them off to Gordon Watt
And six weeks later he will say they've disappeared without a trace
And six weeks after that they will wind up the bug database

Chorus:
And six weeks after that they will wind up the bug database
And six weeks after that they will wind up the bug database
And six weeks after that they will wind up the bug data-database

I know that my success at Dendrite's one that actually depends
On just how often I can recommend my few remaining friends
But still, in matters kmenu, kswine, kemail and khiss
I am the very model of a programmer from CTS

Chorus:
But still, in matters kmenu, kswine, kemail and khiss
He is the very model of a programmer from CTS

If you want our manuals on Windows functionality
You'll have to sign our forms of Dendrite Confidentiality
My effort's never linear, in fact it's often seasonal
But that's okay because my bugs are always fixed by Regional

I'm constantly harassed by Joe Lupino for the FYI
He'll probably heel pest'ring me until I quit or faint or die
They told me things would soon improve but we know how that's just a line
So now I'll have to pack my bags and go the way of Ballantyne

Chorus:
So now he'll have to pack my bags and go the way of Ballantyne
So now he'll have to pack my bags and go the way of Ballantyne
So now he'll have to pack my bags and go the way of Ballan-Ballantyne

A final thought as I depart to all the friendly Dendrite staff
It's just a song, don't get me wrong, I only wrote this for a laugh
But still, in matters kmenu, kswine, kemail and khiss
I am the very model of a programmer from CTS

Chorus:
But still, in matters kmenu, kswine, kemail and khiss
He is the very model of a programmer from CTS

---

October, 1994 by Rob Konigsberg