The Secret Jesus Diary

By Major Bologna

March 2, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Joseph got on my case about getting a job. I told him I want to play guitar, but he says there's no money in that. I think he hates me because he's just my stepfather.

"Why can't you just love me for who I am?"

"Where do you even get that love crap? From your friends?"

"I get that from my real father."

"What father? You never even met your father!"

"My father is everywhere."

"Oh, yeah? Then where is he? If he's around, where's the child support?"

-J

March 5, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Guess what? Mary Magdalene is having a party, and you know who she invited? ME! Oh yeah, I'm gonna wear my robe with the red stripes and, oh, what sandals?

-J

March 6, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

What a shitty party. Once I got there, Mary (that bitch) took me to the water well and made me turn all of it into wine. Then nobody spoke to me for the rest of the night.

Then, Joseph found out I could turn water into wine. He says that I have to go into the wine-making business with him, and that if I loved my mother, I would do this for him. Great.

This wine thing - it's a curse! How can I stop it when I don't even know how I'm doing it?

-J

P.S. Tomorrow we go on a field trip. At least I get a break from school.

March 7, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Some field trip. We went to a leper colony. Eeeuck! Who wants to touch open sores? Not me! You know what? I think it's good that they live in their own village!

Oh, then they ask me to heal them! Are they kidding? I'm not touching a leper with a ten-cubit pole! Hello? Next time I see a leper, maybe I'll kick 'im.

-J

March 7, 13 AD (Part two)

I'm a little more relaxed, now. It's just very hard when everyone expects you to be the good one. "Help me Jesus, I'm a beggar." "Help me Jesus, I'm a leper." "Help me Jesus, I can't see." "Help me Jesus, I have a flat tire." Why do I have to see these people? Then - oh! Then if I say no, they accuse me of being too good for them! They say, "Who do you think you are?" And then if I say, "I'm Jesus Christ" they get even more pissed off.

Nobody understands me.

-J

March 9, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Dad called today. He says I have to be a savior when I grow up.

I swear to - to - well, I swear! My stepfather wants to start a winery, and my father wants me to be a savior! Why can't I just play the guitar?

-J

March 13, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Joseph got drunk during Shabbat and had the same argument with Mom.

"Oh, you slept around."

"Oh, no I didn't."

"Well, he certainly isn't my kid."

"Well, I'm still a virgin, are you?"

"Then where's your hymen?"

"I broke it riding a donkey, where's your foreskin?"

"Same thing."

"Very funny."

"Well I must be the only man in Jerusalem who never got it from his own wife."

He tried to staple a red Alef on her robe but he passed out in the barn. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him!!!

-J

March 15, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Guess what? I'm going to start a band! Some of the guys at school are in too. Here's the deal:

Luke thinks we should call the band "The Last Temptations", but we told him to stick it. Then we told McVitie that his name didn't have a "Stoned Romans" kind of sound so he's thinking of Paul-Simon. Or Simon Paul. Something.

After we finished the band stuff, Luke showed us how to burn bugs with a magnifying glass. Cool.

-J

March 15, 13 AD (Part two)

Dear Diary,

I wrote my first song today. Here it goes:

We're the Stoned Romans
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.
Palestine's showmans
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

A leper moved into my town
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.
Property values goin' down.
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

We're rockin through Jersusalem
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.
la la la [something that rhymes with Jersualem]
Yeah yeah, oh, baby.

Let's see, "Bamboozle 'em?" "Methuselah?" "Chartreuse cerebellum?"

It's a work in progress.

-J

March 16, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Today I accidentally called Joseph "My Son." He nearly hit the roof. No TV for a week. He turned it into two when I told him he was forgiven for his transgressions.

I'm too upset to write.

-J

P.S. Another pimple, I could just die.

March 17, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

More bad news. Dad says I can't be in a band. How does he find out this stuff, anyway? Having an omniscient dad really sucks. Judas says that if I can't be a rebel we can't hang out.

-J

March 22, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

The kids at school threw me into the lake but when I wouldn't sink they laughed at me and called me The Floating Jew. Kids are so cruel.

-J

March 24, 13 AD

Dear Diary,

Joseph woke me up last night because he ran over Lazarus' cat with his ox cart. He said if I raise him from the dead I could skip school today, so I did. But he made me go anyway, that fink.

-J

About the Author

Major Bologna is, in fact, Rob Konigsberg, and he blames everything on his parents. His parents apologize.

Thanks go to Mark Jackman and Amy Doggette whose enormous creative input and inspiration really made this a quality work. Their parents were not available for comment.