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Untitled Love Poem
By Robert Konigsberg, 1991
You cause my very heart to flutter.
You cause my lonely lips to stutter.
You're jelly to my peanut butter.
This is what I know.
Risk is high, reward is great.
Love is a chance you have to take.
You're as juicy as a steak.
Oh I love you so.
My love for you will never stop.
I'll take the bottom or the top.
You're stronger than a karate chop.
This is what I know.
Sometimes I'll act like such a clod,
Like when I drool upon your bod.
I'm fertilizer to your sod.
Oh I love you so.
Everytime I think of you,
I know your love for me is true,
Cause of all the shit I put you through.
This is what I know.
For you I'd kill the largest beast,
Or drown myself in tons of yeast,
Or suffer through a snotball feast,
Oh I love you so.
When we argue I feel sadder,
The pressure builds up in my bladder,
When it breaks it makes me madder.
This is what I know.
You realize that when I say,
"Your chest is flatter than a tray"
I mean it in the nicest way!
Oh I love you so.
If we have children in our nooks,
We'll read them children's story books.
But please don't let them have YOUR looks.
This is what I know.
If you ever try to flee,
I'll chop you into parts of three,
And love the parts like they were me,
Oh I love you so.
Enough people have asked me where this crazy poem came from that I'm providing its origin here.
Back when I was a college senior, I was reading rec.humor.funny wherein there was this silly poem called "Love Guppy" that was in a similar vein, though much less insane. The author asked if someone could beat it as a "can you bottom that" love poem, and I wrote the Untitled Love Poem, and sent it to RHF. I never heard from Brad Templeton (then moderator of RHF) if it was ever posted. Ah, well.
Though the poem was not a poem about my girlfriend, it was written to fit her sense of humor. There were pieces of it that were written just for her (particularly the subtle Dorothy Parker references). So she made me go around and read it to all her friends. The poem is certainly not an outright romantic one, but it made her feel special, and isn't that the true goal of romance in the first place?
Robert I. Konigsberg - King of the Etherworld
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